We’ve all been there. You’re out with your dog, and someone asks, “May I pet your dog?” What do you say? It is flattering that some stranger can see how special your dog is just by glancing at her. Saying yes feels like a win-win. The stranger gets to touch the world’s best dog, and you get brownie points for being so friendly.

It’s all perfect, unless you take into account that the only opinions being weighed are yours and the stranger’s. Somehow your dog’s preferences didn’t factor into the equation.

Does your dog want to meet the stranger? It’s such a simple question, but one we often neglect to consider. Does your dog actually want a stranger to touch her?

People are hard-wired to touch things. “Let me see that,” we say as we reach out our hands to touch. We can’t help ourselves. We want to touch dogs. To us, it seems friendly and welcoming. But is it? Imagine you were out with your two-year-old niece and a stranger rushed over to exclaim, “Isn’t she precious! May I hug her?” Would you say yes? And if you did allow the hug, would your niece object to a stranger giving her a friendly squeeze?

Most dogs enjoy being touched by people they love, and a great many enjoy being petted by someone they’ve just met. However, a lot of dogs are not particularly interested in being fondled by a stranger, yet it seems to be part of their job description. You are your dog’s advocate, the person she trusts to help her navigate the challenges of living in a human society. As such, you need to take her opinion into account when you decide whether to allow strangers to pet her.

We often treat dogs as if their behavior is constant, but they have good moments and bad moments just as we do. Even the most social dog will have times when she does not want to meet a stranger, and in the right circumstances, a shy dog may be willing to step forward. When someone asks to meet your dog, first evaluate her general level of stress. After a long or busy day, your dog will probably be more interested in curling up for a nap than meeting new people.

SAYING NO

Have a plan for saying no. For some dogs, the answer will always be no. That’s not a character flaw; there are plenty of great dogs who don’t want to meet strangers. (Introverts of the world unite!)

Tricks can be a great way to provide a friendly interaction without touching. You can even make a joke of it. “She prefers to wave rather than touch. Maybe she’s a germophobe?” Position yourself between the dog and the stranger and give her a cue. These friendly strangers don’t want to make your dog uncomfortable, so most will accept this substitution in the spirit it is intended.

If your dog is very uncomfortable with strangers, you’ll want more active avoidance. It is okay to cross the street or otherwise move away. Your job is to help your dog feel safe. If she doesn’t feel safe near strangers, move.

However, it’s probably not a good idea to say she’ll bite—even if you think she could under the right circumstances. Avoid putting her in that position. Telling people that your dog bites has three serious downsides:

1. It makes people more afraid of dogs in general.
2. It increases your liability if she ever does bite because it suggests that you had prior knowledge.
3. It implies that biting is a dog’s primary way of saying no. Dogs say no with a whole range of lower-level signals. The opinion of an unhappy dog who does not bite should be respected too. When people believe that dogs are either biters or friendly, black and white labels are being applied to a huge gray area.

If well-meaning folks pursue you, be direct. Put your hand up and loudly say, “stop!” Rude? Perhaps, but make your point clear. Being an advocate for your dog is more important than being thought a bit unfriendly.

SAYING YES

If you think this is a good moment and your dog would like to meet the stranger, say, “Let’s ask her” and encourage the stranger to invite your dog to approach. If your dog doesn’t approach the stranger, she’s not interested in interacting right then. Simply say, “Ah, it looks like she’s really tired today. Perhaps another day.” This is a good time to throw in a trick before you head on your way.

If your dog is eager to meet the stranger, tell the stranger what your dog likes. For example, “she loves to be scratched under the chin.” Giving a specific tip increases the odds that your dog will enjoy it and minimizes the chance that the person will pat-pat-pat on the top of her head, a common petting technique that very few dogs enjoy.

Many people use meeting a stranger as a training opportunity and require their dog to sit-stay for the duration. This takes away your dog’s ability to control the interaction. You’ll still get a training benefit by asking the stranger not to pet her if she jumps and then adding a quick sit after she’s had a chance to say hello.

ASK CORRECTLY

We’ve done a good job over the years of teaching people to ask the owner’s permission before petting a dog. Now it’s time to teach people to ask the dog too. The three steps for a polite interaction are: Ask the owner. If the owner says yes, ask the dog. If the dog says yes, pet the dog politely.

Asking the dog is simple. Start by standing a short distance away and inviting the dog to come toward you. Do not move toward the dog. If the dog does not come to you, the answer is no. End of story. If the dog does approach, you need to evaluate whether the dog is simply checking you out or initiating social contact. There’s a difference.

Since scent is a dog’s primary sense, many dogs will be interested in sniffing your hands or pant legs to learn more about you. They come close to get information, not because they want you to touch them. Their body language will be focused and intent. What you want to see is wiggly, side-to-side movement with gentle physical contact. A dog showing these signals is asking for your attention.

Over time, if you are actively asking dogs if they want to be petted, you’ll probably find that you’ll pet fewer dogs. So be it. You’ll also find that dogs will be a little more comfortable with you because you tailor your interactions to their comfort zone. Honoring a dog’s preferences is just good manners if you want to be friends.

Always keep the interaction short. It’s always better to leave them both wanting more than to have either get tired of the other. And besides, around the corner you may find another friendly person asking, “May I pet your dog?”

Colleen Pelar has been training dogs—and people—since 1991. So many of the concepts are the same for dogs and people: setting goals, overcoming fear and other stumbling blocks, breaking behavior down into baby steps, improving communication, and enhancing relationships. Colleen gives presentations throughout the US and Canada on topics relating to dog behavior and also on how people can apply positive training techniques in their own lives. Whether you want to learn how to train your dog, train your staff, or train yourself, Colleen can help. For more information, visit www.livingwithkidsanddogs.com or www.colleenpelar.com.

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